UT Promotes Vaping

By Bee Tree: 

TAMPA, FL - The University of Tampa has announced that they will be reversing their anti-smoking policy across campus. According to interim Director of Campus Health, Dr. Tobb Acko, this is an effort to make UT appear cooler. 

“Smoking is literally the key factor to whether or not a student is cool,” said Dr. Acko. “Why would we want to make our school lame? We want students to attend the university so why not make it smoker-friendly.” 

The new policy promotes all forms of smoking. Marijuana, cigarettes, Juuls, Stigs, and any other form are not only allowed but encouraged. 

“If you don’t smoke something, you’re kind of a loser,” said Dr. Acko. “I rip the Juul everyday and probably go through 3 pods a day.” 

Students are all for promoting smoking on campus. Every student interviewed agreed that the new policy will increase student numbers and keep the retention rate at a high rate. 

“Thank god I can finally rip the Stig in the Cass lab and not have to worry about getting caught,” said Kyle K. Yle, a freshman at UT. “So many people try and take it away and now they can’t or else I’ll sue. My dad’s a lawyer.” 

“What? You’re allowed to smoke on campus now? Oh man, I am going to go burn in my dorm,” said Mary Jane. 

Even with the prevalent health complications associated to Juul and other nicotine based products, students don’t care. 

“I’ve been coughing up blood for about two weeks now, but its [liquid] so I’m still fine,” said Pre-med major, Preston B. Jelly. “These fakenews outlets are so annoying. They promote nothing but lies and try to present it as facts.” 

Smoke away UT. The policy is here to stay for a long time according to Kerr. 

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Live Blog : UT Presidential Debate

By Bee Tree: 

TAMPA, FL - Wednesday, Oct.23, The University of Tampa Student Government will hold its 2020 elections at 4:30 p.m. The event will include a debate from the top two presidential candidates, Richard Chain E.(Lincoln, NE) and Tom Jef Ferson (Shadwell, VA). 

The topics for discussion include: On-Campus parking, general campus-life, annual budget spending, and nightly routines. 

UT Times will be covering the debate live with in-depth descriptions of each candidate. The voice will be less formal for efficiency purposes.  

5:45 p.m. - The debate is over. Comment below who you think should win! Candidate with the highest votes will be your next UT President. 

5:30 p.m. - The candidates have given the final statements. TFJ stuck to his guns and promised a hard-working, blue-grass style to his Presidency. RCE has promised that he will not betray or manipulate the system in anyway if elected. 

5:15 p.m. - TJF has taken the lead in the debate with this dagger quote, “I honestly just want to do well. My dad always said that I should try my hardest and that’s what I am going to do for you guys and this school.” The candidates are preparing for final statements. 

5:01 p.m. - The audience has just erupted in applause from TJF sitting. I assume he has broken the political barrier and this act has made him seem more human. 

5:00 p.m. - TJF has just sat down on the stage criss-crossed apple sauce with spoons definitely in the bowl. Prior to sitting he stated, “My legs are tired. Would it be weird for me to sit down? I think I need to sit down. I’m going to sit down.” 

4:45 p.m. - The speaker has asked a number of questions thus far. The question about student safety was most revered by the audience. For the past 20 minuets, RCE has been commanding the lead with TJF mainly repeating what RCE has stated but with only one different fact. 

4:25 p.m. - The Speaker of the Floor has asked the first question to RCE. The question was, “In your first 100 days in office, what will be your main goal?” RCE responded roughly with, “I will certainly not betray the trust of my fellow students, but also I will try and keep the student body civil by following their every order.” The same question was directed towards TJF. His reply was similar with the only difference being that he will improve the food around campus. 

4:20 p.m. - The applause have died down. A strange odor has filled the room. I will try and investigate further. 

4:12 p.m. - The candidates have taken the stage. Richard Chain E., RCE, is wearing red and Tom J. Ferson (TJF) is wearing blue.  

Money Growing on Palm Trees

By Bee Tree:

TAMPA, FL - Deeply rooted, taller than some buildings, and blowing back and forth in the wind, the palm trees at the University of Tampa are well-known. The fact that each are estimated to cost $6,000 is, however, not well-known. 

In a recent investigative interview with UT’s interim Treasure, Michael Moolah, a piece of information was leaked. 

“Like I was saying, those palm trees are our staple on campus. They cost more than a used 2008 Toyota RAV4,” said Moolah. “We love our palm trees. They just really brighten up our campus and make the students feel like they are in Florida.”

The University of Tampa is located in the heart of downtown Florida. Despite the price tag on the trees, most students agree that the palms are worth the money.

“Honestly, when I came here as a freshman and saw that the campus had 12 palm trees every 50 feet I knew I had to [attend] here,” said John A. Seed, a senior botanical major at UT. 

“We live in Florida, we have to have palm trees on campus or else there is no point in even going to school here,” said Florence Rider. “I say keep spending on trees.”

Even when presented with statistics that the university could save the money to invest in improving parking, academic departments, or even student life, students still favored the trees. 

“I walk to campus every day so that I can look at those magnificent palm trees against that crystal clear sky,” said Robby Frost, a sophomore poetry major at UT. 

The UT Times wants your opinion on the palm trees. Comment below what you think UT should do with its money. 

For updates on this story, subscribe to the UTTimes. We are a non-profit, satirical site and need money for stuff. Venmo will be linked in the about page. No sugar Mamas needed, but always appreciated. 

Football is Back Too

By Bee Tree: 

TAMPA, FL - BREAKING NEWS: The University of Tampa has announced that a division II football program will be arriving in Fall of 2024, according to the Athletic Director, Soah Kerr.

“Bringing football back to UT has been one of my main goals as the [athletic director at UT],” said Kerr. “There is a lack of manly, testosterone-filled aggression on this campus and football is a great way to fill that void.” 

The program is expected to generate substantial revenue for the university according to the University of Tampa interim Treasurer Michael Moolah. 

Moolah declined any direct comments due to previous statements. 

The student body is thrilled to have a football program arrive back on campus. 

“This is the best day ever. I can’t wait till I am an eighth year to tailgate the games with my  fraternity brothers,” said Chad Broareyouinafrat, a junior at the University of Tampa. “We’ve had to go to USF tailgates to compensate for the lack of day drinking on campus for too long.” 

With the rise of concussion awareness in recent years, some athletes at UT are hesitant about trying out for the team. 

“There are injuries left and right in college and the NFL, let alone the substantial head injuries that they suffer daily,” said T.J A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V, a member of the UT Flag Football club. “That’s why I stay away from contact.”

The reason UT hasn’t had a football program in years past was due to conflict with USF and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Both already share the field, but Kerr has a solution. 

“We will have a one game, winner takes all style match. Whoever wins, USF or UT, then takes the football team with them and the field,” said Kerr. “The players will need to transfer schools of course but their schooling is already paid for so it won’t matter too much.”

The game still has yet to scheduled. 

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The OutPost is Back

By Bee Tree:

TAMPA, FL - The University of Tampa announced Thursday that the building, once known as Outpost, will be returning Spring 2021. The original plans to use the space as a satellite research building have been reverted due to budget problems. 

“Yeah, so we don’t have that much money,” said interim Treasurer, Michael Moolah. “It was a bit of an overstatement when I said we have money. OutPost is a great investment and a lucrative way to get cash from students.” 

The closing of OutPost back in 2018 devastated the student body of UT. According to Upper Class students, the bar was the place to be on any day.  

“I remember going to the bar every single night when I was a freshman,” said Al Kohaul. “I didn’t miss a single 4-7 happy hour. My GPA took a hit, but it was worth it.” 

“I can’t really remember The OutPost,” said John Daniels. “I think that means it was a pretty good time.” 

The university has estimated that it will generate $50,000 in the first two months. This money will be allocated towards planting eight more palm trees on campus according to Moolah. 

While some students are rejoicing about a new bar right across the street from the UT, one student doesn’t agree with the university’s idea to build a new bar. 

“It really just shows negligence by the school to encourage underage drinking to make a profit,” said Patty Proode. “I am in college to do well in school and drinking just distracts students from doing well in school.” 

In response to Proode’s comments, the Dean of Student Safety, Johnathon Shmoltz, said, “...relax…” 

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Parking Crisis Solved

Map of New Parking Garage 

By Bee Tree:

TAMPA, FL - The University of Tampa recently decided to adjust the Ferman Center of the Arts construction plan to incorporate a 16 level parking garage. The change in plans was a direct result of student and faculty outrage due to the overselling of parking passes for the Fall 2019 semester.

“This is a fantastic addition to the campus,” said Walt Pseudo, a student at the University of Tampa. “I strongly agree that parking is the largest issue that UT has and nothing, not even student safety, should take precedence.”

The additional parking is estimated to cost the university $128 million. The payment will come from the university's trust fund according to UT’s interim treasurer, Michael Moolah. 

“We have money,” said Moolah. “Have you seen those palm trees on campus? You think those just grow there? No, those are exotic palm trees specially grown for our campus. I worked hard to get those trees. Money isn’t an issue for us.”   

Even with the addition of 16 new parking levels, some students believe that it won’t be enough. One student, Frank-Amir-Klein-Elliot, a math major at UT, said that the new plan will exclude some students.   

“There are around 10,000 students that attend the University of Tampa. Excluding freshman who aren't allowed to have cars, that leaves 8,000 students. On average, each parking floor has 144 parking spaces. Now multiply that by 16 and you get 2,304. Then add on the 3,500 pre-existing spots and you get 5,800 parking spots,” said Elliot. “Where are the other 2,200 people expected to park?” 

The Ferman building was scheduled to be completed in the Spring 2019 semester, but now will be pushed back to the Fall 2022 semester. 

For updates on this story, subscribe to the UTTimes. We are a non-profit, satirical site and need money for stuff. Venmo will be linked in the about page. No sugar Mamas needed, but always appreciated. 

The Silent Sound of Music

By Bee Tree:

TAMPA, FL - As of Sunday, Oct. 25, UT announced it will eliminate its Department of Music. According to head offices, the school was encouraging students to pursue a dead-end career. 

“We want our students to succeed in school and for years to come,” said Patty Betty, Dean of Student Careers. “There was really no point in using the university’s money on a useless major.” 

The decision to eliminate an entire department has sparked a wave of outrage from students.

“I am outraged,” said Doug Flute E., a musical therapy major. “Music can literally be used to cure diseases and this school has decided to invest in majors like nursing and business that only create greed and stress.” 

While there are some studies that show music can be used to benefit health, some are happy that the department is going. 

“Anyone can be a DJ now and youtube can teach you how to play any instrument. I really think people need to grow up and realize that just cause its a hobby that doesn’t mean it should be a career,” said video game design major, Mike-Rho Softe. 

When asked where the additional money would be allocated, the university denied to comment. However, when asked where the additional money will be spent, the university commented that it will be distributed towards benefiting campus life for students. 

“This is just another example of universities favoring one department over others,” said Dr. Sarah Tonein, Electronic Dance Music professor. “Why can’t we all just get along and experiment new things together?” 

We at the UT Times want to hear what our audience thinks about the elimination of the music department. 

Vote on our poll on the main page and voice your opinion in the comment section below. 

University of Tampa Squirrel Earns Scholarship

by Bee Tree

TAMPA, Florida - On Wednesday, Skippy the squirrel became the first campus squirrel to earn a $15,000 scholarship to the University of Tampa (UT). 

Skippy has resided on the University of Tampa campus for approximately four years and has become a campus icon. 

"Skippy is the friendliest, most compassionate squirrel I've ever met," said Johnathon Forest, a junior at UT. "I've been [at the university] for three years, and she's the main reason I didn't transfer to USF."

Recently, Tampa Bay government officials implanted the "two squirrels with one nut" policy which was created to control the pest population around the downtown area. Citizens are encouraged to hunt domestic pests and bring the tails to any local police station for a cash reward.

Squirrels are included on the pest list, and, despite UT being a private university, citizens have been hunting squirrels on university property. The issue has been so prevalent that campus safety officers have to drastic measures.

Officer Smith in squirrel uniform

"We now have to have 15 officers patrolling the campus all hours of the nights,” said Bill Mooreland, a University of Tampa saftey officer. “We even had to have an officer sit in a tree dressed as a squirrel to bait locals to hunt him. Luckily he was a newly hired officer so he small.” 

The university decided that the only way to protect Skippy was to make her an official student at UT.

"I can't even fathom what I would do if Skippy wasn't a part of this campus," said, Marcus Williams, Director of Parks and Groundskeeping at UT. "I'm glad that [faculty] decided to make her official." 

The proposal to enlist Skippy as a full-time student was brought forward by a number of UT faculty. 6,000 faculty members and students signed the petition to save Skippy. 

"Once I saw there were 6,000 people that wanted to save the squirrel, I knew that it had to be done," said University of Tampa Interim President, Scott Slip. "I know how to run a university, and student happiness is high up on the list of things that make UT great."

Skippy is enlisted in 16 credit hours as a NUTrition major for the upcoming 2020 spring semester.